“I GIVE UP GIVING UP”
I’ve had an on and off relationship with alcohol for 20 years now.. I’m 30 so while you raised your kids for 20 years I was drinking for the same length of time, well shit that just slapped me across the face.
My relationship with alcohol is very complicated we’re both extremely controlling and competitive.. sounds healthy to fight for something with no heart beat.. Mmm
ill start you of at the beginning and where my infatuation with the existence of this shitty thing.
I was 10 years old and on the weekends my mother and father would have their friends over every Friday and Saturday, they were all drinking this stuff that they never drank during the week.. strange, what’s so good about this special stuff the only drink on weekends? Fucks me but I needed to find out. The music got louder, they laughed and danced like no one was watching and looked so happy for once.. I watched their behaviours change their moods and their words start to slur. They looked like they we’re having the best time all together all because of this weird drink. I remember thinking to myself okay, so all I have to do is drink that stuff and I’ll be happy and care free like them? Sold.. already on my way to the fridge in the garage got myself a 6 pack of beer got on my push bike and drank them in the park near my house. I was floating and laughing to myself trying to ride my bike home stacked it a few times but got home eventually and snuck into bed.
By the age of 15 I was binge drinking every weekend back then a 6 pack of Smirnoff double blacks had me covered for the weekend or whatever anyone else was drinking if I wasn’t satisfied with the fact I would still remember it in the morning. My brother had his license so we would go pick up my friends and do laps in his car up and down the main strip meeting other people out at certain spots like 711 or maccas yes shut up we were “The Car Crew” ughhhh rank I know but we didn’t care drinking cranking music doing burn outs and passing out at someone’s house.
age 16 my habit developed into a before school drink, I was bullied really bad through high school and one day snapped causing me to get my ass expelled mum said you either get a job or go to tafe or something I was like the fuck whatever so I was enrolled in personal training at tafe and that water bottle I had everyday without fail was not water and whoever the fuck said straight vodka has no smell should ask the 2 people sitting next to me in class.. They will beg to differ..
age 17 half assed that shit and threw some pingers in the mix along with alcohol, by 17 I was blacking out and I started developing these random anger outbursts but I could not remember them the next morning I’d get told I’d done and said this and then I go through my phone and I’d just abused people for no reason.
age 18 was a massive blur I came out to my parents as gay lived with my 22 year old girlfriend and drank non stop every day all day she would come home to like 6 of us passed out on the floor in the kitchen and lounge room the place trashed we lasted 9 months and then broke up. I drank myself that stupid to the verge of liver failure so I ended up in hospital and the next day I was on a plane to Cairns for a week just to get away for a bit.. that week turned into 6 months, me and my friend went out drinking every single night for 6 months straight until I called my mother and said please get me home now, spend my 19th there and as soon as I got home my brother goes fuck you’re fat bro well obviously I’ve just drank alcohol and ate maccas for 6 months straight and bam straight back on the pipe
from 19 to 22 was i shit you not the biggest blur I do not remember pretty much anything accept waking up in the watch house a lot.
I was also smoking ice, drinking GHB, taking pingers while drinking so at 22 I woke up one morning went to my counselling session he put out 4 pamphlets on the table and choose one I said fuck off im not going to rehab he said yes you I’ll make it easier for you he took 3 and left 1 I said I’m not taking it.. 2 weeks later I saw him again and said what’s the first step to admitting myself to that rehab.
I spent 6 months in there and it was the best 6 months of my life, stayed clean of I’ve for 3 years got 9 months on alcohol and had a 4 pack but stopped and didn’t feel like I wanted or needed anymore. I thought this is great I’ve got this under control that was easy until it wasn’t..
I’ll list a few things alcohol has cost me:
I lost multiple jobs
i lost my license with a high range DUI 0.258
i had the interlock in my car for a year
ive lost friends
relationships
first name basis at the local watch house
I have stabbed people
long story short on Tuesday the 22nd of March I slit my own throat and didn’t even feel it I was that drunk
