Surprisingly, I Only Sometimes Hated Her.

I tried the drug, I liked the drug, I will justify the drug.

I was told, “If you’re going to use daily you will do everything you normally do. You will walk in home and eat dinner with mum and dad even if the thought of it makes you physically ill, You will make your bed before you leave the house, You will go to work every day and continue your studies and you will go to bed at an appropriate time whether you sleep or not and you will get up at the same time every morning that you normally do. That was on repeat in my head until it became an automatic response, I was 16 for gods sake and ashamed to publicly display I smoke ice of course my original behavioural patterns had to stay the same.

Wait a minute.. I just finished an assignment and did not feel the need to break focus, I’m actually understanding what I’m reading, engaging in conversations, noticing things out of the ordinary, more in tune with my intuition, started reading my surroundings… I had no idea if I was in psychosis or whatever I was inhaling was actually opening my thought process. Whatever was happening I’d never experienced before, I felt more in tune with myself and listened to the feelings I experienced in every situation, to the point when I knew if I felt the slightest change in behaviour or even the vibe in the room became unsettling I had to leave immediately, I don’t know why I could always feel if something was off but I bet you 9/10 my intuition was right. All I could think was “Am I going insane”, “What the hell is in this drug that makes me see things I never cared to see before”. Was it the fear, adrenaline or the psychological thought process I would evaluate step by step- Analysing every situation, assessing any potential risks followed by a back up escape route, sitting in a room full of people listening and not saying a word also assessing their behaviour, almost like I was data collecting for my own personal gain. I just didn’t understand why or what my brain was doing and why I couldn’t stop it until I accepted it. I grew to understand the reasoning behind what I now know was my intuition going from zero to hero.

I was in a dangerously unknown and very unpredictable world that could turn on me quicker then booter who had just been handed a bag.