12 years of trying to get clean refusing to believe i needed help from anyone or anywhere. Convinced i didn’t need assistance, reality let me be delusional for 12 years before she just right hooked me with that statement and it got me good. I was in the ward and the social worker kept coming in and telling me about all of these community based services that help with substance use and abuse. That was the day mum agreed to let me come home under strict conditions which made me nervous because im ADHD and if you tell me what to do i will do it 3 days later.

I was told about a 1 year program with a social worker that helps you out with things you need like referals, advocacy, take you to appointments and just support you. My first thought was obviously no thank you but i had deep reflection session and thought ‘What haven’t i done while trying to get clean…’. I ended up completing the year program and in that time was reffered to QuIHN for therapy, 2 and a half years later i still go there for therapy every week and if i lapse i lapse i deal with it in a way where I learn something from it everytime, something as simple as a thought. The expectation that an addict must get clean over night is the most ignorant thing i have ever heard in my life, not saying people dont do it because they do and good on them but society has a fucking standard about it.. the fuck.

The more pressure I put on myself like counting the days, saying im never doing it again, making promises the quicker i ended up back in that world even deeper, every dam time it just got worse. Now it doesnt bother me because instead of telling myself no i give myself the option because if i wanted to i could like there is nothing physically stopping me but having things to lose like s place to live, my girlfriend, my university degree, therapy and myself… Im like fuck that, that is a lot to throw away for something that doesnt even ahve a heartbeat not to mention the fucking bagage that comes with it yeah im talking about the people you know those ones you used to call your friends.. Stop using and see how many stay in contact with you.